Blessing in disguise

It's 3:30am and all I can do is stare blatantly into the ceiling above me.

The knots in my stomach won't go away and it's mostly because the reality I once knew is no longer existant. 

Do you ever see your life as if you're reading while living in your own story? You can see events peak and slow down, like a roller coaster then all of a sudden - you stop and realize you've reached the end of the ride and time to move on to the next, kinda like the end of a chapter. 

I have a lot of those. I know when to close chapters and open them just like a book. 

I never thought my life would be like this.

I'm not the same person I used to be. 

Sometimes I miss that person.

Calm, cool and collective. Shy. Very patient. Sweet and forgiving. Naive and caring.

They say "The past is just a story we tell ourselves" 

I try to live by that but it also shapes us into who we are now. 

People make mistakes but when you repeat those same mistakes over and over it's not just a mistake anymore. 

It becomes a choice. It becomes who you are. 

Becomes who I am. 

At least I'm willing to admit that. 

Willing to admit that I chose to think emotionally instead of logically and that has been my greatest downfall.

I'm impulsive.

I trust too easily. 

I love too fast. 

I'm careless and defensive. 

I'm independent and impatient.

I won't listen to anyone. 

I push everyone away.

I'm so fake, I'm beyond fake. 

I've been stripped of my self worth to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I try too hard to make things right. 

I try so hard that I put on a mask for everyone, so fake it'd be hard to believe there was someone better underneath. 

Because I've become that mask.

That is what hurts the most. 

And to even write this, to put it in words makes it more of a reality.

I've struggled this past year more than I thought I ever would in my entire life because of my own mistakes. 

I don't feel sorry for myself one bit though. 

It's more of a wake up call.

Because deep down I know who I really am. 

I used to be so shy growing up. 

I always hid and never spoke up about my true feelings.

I wanted to make this post to set an example for a lot of people who may be going through something and whom ever may be reading this I just want you to know it's okay to stand up for yourself, it's okay to love yourself and forgive yourself.

Put yourself first and always go with your gut about things because at the end of the day all you really have is yourself.

I know that things are going to be okay and I know that this is just another lesson that could've only been learned through experience. 

Sometimes it takes losing yourself, losing everything to the core, to finally find your freedom, to find your worth, and to find yourself. 

And for those who have helped me in any way whether we still talk or not, know that I will never forget your small act of kindness and I that I am forever thankful for how you may have impacted my life, good or bad. 

A blessing in disguise is the best kind of surprise, so don't close your eyes.

I've seen the sunrise.