There's no place like home

Or at least, that's what they say. If you've never heard the expression, it's pretty self explanatory, although I still recommend you see the film "Wizard of Oz" if you haven't already, but even in the film you see Dorothy talking about her physical home back in Oklahoma with her family and friends. 

What is home to you? It could be the warm, cozy bed you can't get out of in the morning, the blissful feeling of walking around in your pjs, cooking breakfast, or just anywhere you feel safe and comfortable. That's the idea of it. But that's just one's idea.

I've never had a permanent home I grew up in. I lived with my mom, then went to live with my grandma for about four years or so. I moved in with my mom again when I was fourteen then my aunt, my grandma, my mom, my dad, then my mom again. I've even lived with a few friends in between all those.

I never noticed how moving back and fourth all the time affected me subconsciously, until I got older...

It affects me even now, where I never feel quite right staying in one place all the time. I can adjust quickly but I never get attached. Growing up and moving back and fourth between houses made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere and because of that, I was always on the road.  

"Always on the road, no place like home"

The road was my home. My grandma would always tell me that I needed to stop "living like a gypsy" but I didn't feel like I was being a "gypsy". It just felt...normal. 

I continuously find myself fantasizing about traveling. I don't mean Florida, or California but somewhere out of my comfort zone; traveling to different countries, learning of other cultures and 

new languages. It's just so fascinating to me, sometimes I even feel homesick. 

 

I can tell you, I was never much torn between nostalgia for the familiar because I was never attached and comforted by just one place, nor did I feel anywhere to be sentimental to me. The foreign and strange are mostly exciting because it's always the mystery. Change is constant although, some of us don't see it because we're too "stuck in our ways" to evolve to the world changing around us. 

We're so used to what is typical, judging anything that could be considered "weird" or "strange" when in reality, on the other side of the world it is not weird at all. Nothing is weird, it's just you being close minded. Not to say that I don't have morals, (because I do) and even I have my limits. With that being said sometimes its okay to step out of your comfort zone. 

My dream is to travel, learn, and live in foreign terrains. To feel comfort of making memories in places of the unknown, or to teach English to those who can't speak it. 

Although where ever I go, I must feel comfort within myself. There is no such physical place which gives me warmth other than feeling it internally. Never to feel invisible, but to love others openly and wholeheartedly. Being able to forgive easily with the humbleness I had as a child. Being true to myself and accepting who I am are most satisfying and to acknowledge the unique characteristics I have to offer to the world.

I am my own home.

Writing this blog is an attempt to channel out my inner self and using that energy in a more productive way.

I've challenged myself many times on this subject, and finally decided to make time to write everything down and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I love getting lost in my thoughts on paper and just forgetting about the world around me. It's definitely my escape; which is strange, because I used to hate writing. I hated it most when I was a kid and now it's one of my favorite things to do. Ironic isn't it?

I've taken a couple years off of school for now, but God am I ready to go back. I always had such a hard time on deciding what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. It makes it even worse because I'm such a damn indecisive person, I swear. When you're about 17-18, life gives you one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make; which is, what now? What am I supposed to do after living four years in a fantasy world where most only care about their ego and reputation? Most where I'm from go straight to work, get in trouble, married, or they attempt to go to college, which is extremely hard if you don't have the right requirements for financial aid.

Lets be honest, most of us weren't born rich, so we have to do the best we can make something of our selves.

 I'm from a small town. I'm from a very small town; the kind where you drive miles to get to a simple place such as a grocery store, surrounded by cornfields and gossip. I personally had a chance to get my self out of this hell hole, and what did I do? I did what every one does who finds themselves in a good position who are happy but more afraid and unaware. I pissed it away. "Don't worry, it's just your first year of college, the first year doesn't count. Have a good time." "Have a good time", they said. 

LIES. it's all lies.

 

That explains it all. Only my parents thought I was studying; something I should've took into deep consideration, especially when you're just starting off at a community college trying to transfer into a university. 

But I'd like to think last year has taught me the lessons of responsibility and appreciation. I'm not going to prance around the subject either, it was all my own stupid fault. It was my own hedonistic ways that got me into this situation.

So, I've tried to remain calm and patient, working toward my goals in a more complex and responsible way.

This is 2016 now, and I'm going to make it my year.

So, onward and upwards.