Blessing in disguise

It's 3:30am and all I can do is stare blatantly into the ceiling above me.

The knots in my stomach won't go away and it's mostly because the reality I once knew is no longer existant. 

Do you ever see your life as if you're reading while living in your own story? You can see events peak and slow down, like a roller coaster then all of a sudden - you stop and realize you've reached the end of the ride and time to move on to the next, kinda like the end of a chapter. 

I have a lot of those. I know when to close chapters and open them just like a book. 

I never thought my life would be like this.

I'm not the same person I used to be. 

Sometimes I miss that person.

Calm, cool and collective. Shy. Very patient. Sweet and forgiving. Naive and caring.

They say "The past is just a story we tell ourselves" 

I try to live by that but it also shapes us into who we are now. 

People make mistakes but when you repeat those same mistakes over and over it's not just a mistake anymore. 

It becomes a choice. It becomes who you are. 

Becomes who I am. 

At least I'm willing to admit that. 

Willing to admit that I chose to think emotionally instead of logically and that has been my greatest downfall.

I'm impulsive.

I trust too easily. 

I love too fast. 

I'm careless and defensive. 

I'm independent and impatient.

I won't listen to anyone. 

I push everyone away.

I'm so fake, I'm beyond fake. 

I've been stripped of my self worth to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I try too hard to make things right. 

I try so hard that I put on a mask for everyone, so fake it'd be hard to believe there was someone better underneath. 

Because I've become that mask.

That is what hurts the most. 

And to even write this, to put it in words makes it more of a reality.

I've struggled this past year more than I thought I ever would in my entire life because of my own mistakes. 

I don't feel sorry for myself one bit though. 

It's more of a wake up call.

Because deep down I know who I really am. 

I used to be so shy growing up. 

I always hid and never spoke up about my true feelings.

I wanted to make this post to set an example for a lot of people who may be going through something and whom ever may be reading this I just want you to know it's okay to stand up for yourself, it's okay to love yourself and forgive yourself.

Put yourself first and always go with your gut about things because at the end of the day all you really have is yourself.

I know that things are going to be okay and I know that this is just another lesson that could've only been learned through experience. 

Sometimes it takes losing yourself, losing everything to the core, to finally find your freedom, to find your worth, and to find yourself. 

And for those who have helped me in any way whether we still talk or not, know that I will never forget your small act of kindness and I that I am forever thankful for how you may have impacted my life, good or bad. 

A blessing in disguise is the best kind of surprise, so don't close your eyes.

I've seen the sunrise.

Letter to someone I once knew

That message I just sent, I typed that out two days ago..but I was too afraid to send it because I was too scared to know the answer, if there ever would be one. I finally sent it because whether I ever received one or not, I know it wouldn't change things. 

Sometimes, things are better off unsaid or unknown. And, well at least someone is on the other end listening to what I have to say. 

So with that being said I just wanted you to know that I'm sending this with a heavy heart. Tears are rolling down my face and I won't stop it because it feels good to finally let it out. 

I hope this message finds you well. I hope you're doing okay. For some reason I've learned to forgive my self for things I've done to you in the past. 

But those last few days we fought and you kept trying and trying and I just couldn't let you back in because I was so scared of being hurt again. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for everything I said. 

For some reason I just wanted you to feel the pain I had been feeling for so long and that was selfish of me to do. I wish I could take it back every day of my life, but I can't. 

Maybe it's better off this way. Maybe one day far in the future well make our way back. Maybe we won't. The truth is, I don't want to know what happens. 

I just know that out of all the bad we had there was just as much good whether you'd like to believe it or not. I'll never forget that sunny day in April, we picked you up and things had never seemed so good between us. And you holding me in your arms so tight I never thought we'd let each other go in that moment. 

But we did. 

And I'm learning that it's real this time....It's been hard. Really hard. I just wanted you to know that I've finally found happiness within myself....I'm not bitter anymore because I know what we had was real. I'm a strong woman. Always have been, and I've come to forgive you for everything you did to me. 

I'll never forget your smile or your laugh.

I used to do everything I could to make you laugh because I loved hearing it so much. 

I know you're with someone else now. And it would be selfish of me to not want you to be happy. I think she's pretty. In a weird way I thought she resembled me in some ways. 

I just hope she can make you laugh as much as I did. 

I hope you treat her the way I always wanted you to treat me. I hope I did my job right in showing you how a woman deserves to be treated. I hope she makes you happy in a way I never thought I could. Although I tried pretty damn hard. 

Sometimes I just want to scream at the sky and ask God "why?" But He told me "it's okay. This is what you were meant for" I know he wouldn't put me through anything I couldn't handle. It's only made me stronger. And that is when I realized you were my soul mate. We loved with a love that was more than love.

 We broke each other because we were both broken ourselves. And we learned from each other, I've learned from you more than I've ever learned from anyone else. I'll always love you. And you will always hold a special place deep down inside my heart, where no one will ever even come close to touch. And that's what soul mates are meant for. They're not always meant to be together.

 When you truly love someone it will never go away. As much as you want it to so bad. It won't. You have such a burning passionate light about you. The kind where you light up the whole room. You bring life to it. I've seen it more than a few times. And it would be selfish of me if I didn't want you to show it to the world. I know you can. I have faith in you. Always did, no matter how many times you let me down and I always will because I believe in you more than anything else. 

Maybe one day in the distant future, we'll see each other again. And we'll be able to look into each other's eyes with no pain or remorse.  And only see joy and remember those days we spent together under the street lights in the warm air laughing with each other and falling in love.

 That's how I'll remember you best. Because that's what love does. It forgives. This is my good bye for now. So shine bright, show the whole world what you have to offer. 

I'll never forget you.

 

There's no place like home

Or at least, that's what they say. If you've never heard the expression, it's pretty self explanatory, although I still recommend you see the film "Wizard of Oz" if you haven't already, but even in the film you see Dorothy talking about her physical home back in Oklahoma with her family and friends. 

What is home to you? It could be the warm, cozy bed you can't get out of in the morning, the blissful feeling of walking around in your pjs, cooking breakfast, or just anywhere you feel safe and comfortable. That's the idea of it. But that's just one's idea.

I've never had a permanent home I grew up in. I lived with my mom, then went to live with my grandma for about four years or so. I moved in with my mom again when I was fourteen then my aunt, my grandma, my mom, my dad, then my mom again. I've even lived with a few friends in between all those.

I never noticed how moving back and fourth all the time affected me subconsciously, until I got older...

It affects me even now, where I never feel quite right staying in one place all the time. I can adjust quickly but I never get attached. Growing up and moving back and fourth between houses made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere and because of that, I was always on the road.  

"Always on the road, no place like home"

The road was my home. My grandma would always tell me that I needed to stop "living like a gypsy" but I didn't feel like I was being a "gypsy". It just felt...normal. 

I continuously find myself fantasizing about traveling. I don't mean Florida, or California but somewhere out of my comfort zone; traveling to different countries, learning of other cultures and 

new languages. It's just so fascinating to me, sometimes I even feel homesick. 

 

I can tell you, I was never much torn between nostalgia for the familiar because I was never attached and comforted by just one place, nor did I feel anywhere to be sentimental to me. The foreign and strange are mostly exciting because it's always the mystery. Change is constant although, some of us don't see it because we're too "stuck in our ways" to evolve to the world changing around us. 

We're so used to what is typical, judging anything that could be considered "weird" or "strange" when in reality, on the other side of the world it is not weird at all. Nothing is weird, it's just you being close minded. Not to say that I don't have morals, (because I do) and even I have my limits. With that being said sometimes its okay to step out of your comfort zone. 

My dream is to travel, learn, and live in foreign terrains. To feel comfort of making memories in places of the unknown, or to teach English to those who can't speak it. 

Although where ever I go, I must feel comfort within myself. There is no such physical place which gives me warmth other than feeling it internally. Never to feel invisible, but to love others openly and wholeheartedly. Being able to forgive easily with the humbleness I had as a child. Being true to myself and accepting who I am are most satisfying and to acknowledge the unique characteristics I have to offer to the world.

I am my own home.

Writing this blog is an attempt to channel out my inner self and using that energy in a more productive way.

I've challenged myself many times on this subject, and finally decided to make time to write everything down and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I love getting lost in my thoughts on paper and just forgetting about the world around me. It's definitely my escape; which is strange, because I used to hate writing. I hated it most when I was a kid and now it's one of my favorite things to do. Ironic isn't it?

I've taken a couple years off of school for now, but God am I ready to go back. I always had such a hard time on deciding what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. It makes it even worse because I'm such a damn indecisive person, I swear. When you're about 17-18, life gives you one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make; which is, what now? What am I supposed to do after living four years in a fantasy world where most only care about their ego and reputation? Most where I'm from go straight to work, get in trouble, married, or they attempt to go to college, which is extremely hard if you don't have the right requirements for financial aid.

Lets be honest, most of us weren't born rich, so we have to do the best we can make something of our selves.

 I'm from a small town. I'm from a very small town; the kind where you drive miles to get to a simple place such as a grocery store, surrounded by cornfields and gossip. I personally had a chance to get my self out of this hell hole, and what did I do? I did what every one does who finds themselves in a good position who are happy but more afraid and unaware. I pissed it away. "Don't worry, it's just your first year of college, the first year doesn't count. Have a good time." "Have a good time", they said. 

LIES. it's all lies.

 

That explains it all. Only my parents thought I was studying; something I should've took into deep consideration, especially when you're just starting off at a community college trying to transfer into a university. 

But I'd like to think last year has taught me the lessons of responsibility and appreciation. I'm not going to prance around the subject either, it was all my own stupid fault. It was my own hedonistic ways that got me into this situation.

So, I've tried to remain calm and patient, working toward my goals in a more complex and responsible way.

This is 2016 now, and I'm going to make it my year.

So, onward and upwards.